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THE TEENAGE ANGST FILES
Jul. 23rd, 2004
11:39 am - Do you like Making OUt? Or Long Drives? or BROWN EYES?? and girls that just don't quite fit in.....
I have decided, as inspiration of janelle, but mostly myself (as u will see further on in this update i am doing more things for myself and not others) that I, Linnae Nicole Caurdy, must go on a reinvention tour.
Yes. I am reinventing myself. Like Madonna. Only less backup dancers. And microphones. And no ticket sales. Only me. On the center stage that is life.
All my life i have been a follower. I just want to make people happy. I don't want to impose or be bossy, i'd rather just go along with what others think and want and have no tuffs rise between friends. So for 16 years- thats how its mostly been. I don't really care about that tho. Only sometimes. That was just a part where i tell you a little about myself, considering you don't know much about me- only that i don't like my parents most of the time, i adore dashboard confessional, and i'm in deep adoration of a hopeless boy. And that spyware is retarded. but we all know that. cuz the government sucks.
I am major jealous of Kaleena for A) her cute dogs B) Her funniness C) the fact that she gets anxiety meds AND valium.
Sometimes i feel the need to induldge in.... herbal "medication", but i deny myself the unlasting pleasure because i know people will be dissapointed, i know that i'll have to go right back to the same sad thing an hour later.
I'm annoyed at the fact that i don't have a boyfriend and i can't relate or talk about all the things that my friends are talking about. And that i can't help them thru hard times when they need advice. It's not like i haven't been trying for 16 years, tho.
But the thing is, i really don't care that i'm not experiencing the same things they are. Cuz i know i'm not ready. I'm too scared. Too paranoid. Too immature.
I'm upset that a good friend said that You-Know-Who is "better than us". Then she insisted that she tell me about how she was "this close" to going to prom with the boy of my dreams. Just writing that rebirths the same empty pit in my stomach, yet i feel the need to throw up and cry.
I'm glad that my other good friend let her know that I "don't deserve that". Because i don't. Maybe sometimes i do. But not then.
I'm mad at the fact that pictures of me are just so ugly when i am natural (w/ no makeup). And the fact that in all the pics i do have makeup in, I look like a whore.
I'm frustrated that i can't articulate and verbalize the beauty of words that Jake, Janelle, even Ky and Lauren do when they speak/write. I don't know enough words. I can feel them floating around in my head, but i can never seem to spit them out.
As for my reinvention, i guess you could say that was step one. Spitting out things i am upset with. But what else is a xanga for??? I am already a failure at my step to betterness.
I guess i just wanted to let you know.
contemplativeJul. 12th, 2004
12:13 pm - Several Ways to Die Trying.
my car cleaning duties are offically over and i am still left without an automobile to call my own.
"It's just a loan from me to you," she says. Mom must feel pretty spiffy with two $16,000 cars to call her own. I'm convinced we are going to go poor.
So i approached the car with all confidence in hand. I used to like washing the car. I used to offer to wash the car. That was only when i had a second grade education, mind you.
I couldn't help but think of the first essay i read of jake's- or the essay janelle read to me of jakes- about him fixing up his car. But it wasn't really about the car, but something deeper. The symbolic sort, jake is.
So then i thought- "Washing the car is like recleansing your soul."
But that is a lie. And the most cheesy thing i've ever thought of in my life. So i decided not to think of that anymore. And then i decided not to think, period.
And then i got frustrated. The car wash wrag is dirty and filthy and i put my hand in it because my dad was being a jerk and saying how i'm selfish and lazy. After a while, (even tho deciding it was an easy job) i got frustated.
The car was drying befor i could dry it.
I kept dropping the hoze (how do u spell hoze??) on the nozzle and water would spray up at me.
The radio was all commercials
There were remains of feathers from a bird that flew in front of me a few days previous.
Against my decision to shut off all brain activity, it was running rampant and thinking of very clever things to say, only to find the body without a pen or paper in hand to write it down.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to quite.
Drying it with the "car drier towel" made it dirtier than it was before.
I left the tires for a boy to do. They're too dirty for me to clean.
I am jill's inflamed sense of worthlessness and self pity.
Please forgive me for wallowing in my inability to do anything right.
EDIT: also to add to the list of frustrations: my inability to spell hose right.
aggravatedJul. 10th, 2004
01:41 pm
Dear Linnae,
this is your life just wanting to inform you that it is on strike. Once you decide to be fun, humorsome, confident person everyone knows you really aren't I might possibly return. Otherwise, your life as a human vegetable will continue until you rot away or murge as one with the couch or computer chair.
Sincerely,
the life you once had that doesn't want to return to a dull waste of earth space that is you.
boredJun. 13th, 2004
08:22 pm
To: Chelsi
From: Linnae
Concerning: Where the fuck you are
Dear Chelsi,
so i called u..oh....like a week ago- probably like three times and i'm just wondering where the hell you are cuz i'm bored and i thought that we'd hang out, cuz you know, we're like best friends or something. don't u always check ur caller i.d.??? anyway, i need ur guitar teachers number. i don't know why i think i can get a hold of u thru this, but hey, if ur phones are broken or something or uv become like amish or something and given up all technology, which, in that case, u'll never get this and i'm just wasting my time and further inhancing that wrist disease u can get from being on the computer too much.
so, yeah, i need the guys number.
and to know if we're gonna hang out this summer at all
and thats about it
later,
linnae
(previously and sometimes known as shower cap lady, but only to a special few, those of whom know who they are, and shal not mention who, for fear of giving away oru secret society of super agent heroes.)
Jun. 10th, 2004
02:29 pm
so, we've been out of school for like, a week now, and i believe i have only done about 2 social events. pretty sad. NOBODY has called me to do anything. pretty sure all my friends died or something. or like, got sent to iraq to fight and therefore i'll never see them again because they'll get eaten by ginormous camel spiders. *shrugs*
omg!! this kid keeps calling me and calling me. and i think he asked me out on a date- but i'm like...(in my head) umm...sry, but of course, since i'm so nice i say yes and am really polite and gracious about it, cuz let's face teh facts, not many ppl come knockin on my door. but SERIOUSLY- he calls me like 10 times a day and i'm like ok, stop. i'm getting realy annoyed adn when u call during my nap- then i get PISSED. and then, my mom honestly says i can't go because she doensn't want me driving a long ways really late at night with a boy. i can only go if janelle goes. and of course, i can't get a hold of janelle. so i brake it to him that i can't go bc other ppl arent coming. he says ok. five minutes later he calles me back and is like, i can get ppl if u can. but i CAN'T get a hold of anyone!!!!
and so, yeah, just now- he called again. and its like i don't really want to go. really. just now, i decided i don't. because it's getting a little annoying. and i'm A LOT broke. and i don't want him topay for me cuz then he will think its a date and idon't want it to be a date. GAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
where are all my normal friends. Chels? Tyler? L.E???? jon, even? where are they? oh yeah, i forgot, with THEIR significant others. and where am i when i hang out with them?? AWAY from them cuz their always kissing and cuddling. i do need new friends. whatever happened to that club me and kyle created for singles? yes, and i hope my normal friends read this cuz i love u- but i'm annoyed. and its my own fault cuz i don't like the guys who like me. and i'm going on and on and yes, this probably sounds a bit narcisitic, but i'm a bit irritated and i need all this to be solved by friday night so i can think clearly during the ACT's or else i might have to kill someone or just not take the test. cuz, let's face it, what the hell is it for anyway?? to stress linnae out, that's what it's for. i'm going to go now, and breath deeply...into a paper bage...or maybe plastic.
annoyedJun. 4th, 2004
11:12 am
school is done. i really don' tknow hwo i feel about some aspects of it. whoever knows me enough might be able to guess why.
but...it gives me time to do more of these pointless games for ur entertainment!!
so you can get a little closer...some of these are rather funny...tehe
yoinked from the ever so lovely little__hobbit & ash
1. Copy this entire list.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Unbold those that aren't.
01. When I was younger I made some bad decisions.
02. I don't watch much TV these days.
03. I love psychodelic mushrooms.
04. I love sleeping.
05. I have loads of books.
06. I once slept in a toilet.
07. I love playing video games.
08. I adore marijuana.
09. I watch porn movies.
10. I watch them with my father.
11. I like sharks.
12. I love spiders.
13. I was born without hair and I still have no hair.
14. I like George Bush.
15. People are cool. Some of them, some of the time.
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
17. I have jacuzzi and a Porsche.
18. I have a lot to learn.
19. I carry my knife everywhere with myself.
20. I'm smart. (I hope)
21. I've never broken someone's bones.
22. I have a secret.
23. I hate snow.
24. I drink only milk.
25. Punk rock rules. other things do too
26. I hate Bill Gates! (But in defense, would you really still rather be using DOS?)
27. I love Chinese food.
28. I would hate to be famous.
29. I am not a morning person.
30. I wear glasses.
31. I don't need glasses.
32. I have potential. (Again, I hope so at least>
33. You only have one race.
34. My legs are two different sizes.
35. I have a twin.
36. I wear a padded bra. Cos they're great!
37. I can ramble on about absolutely nothing.
38. I'm left-handed.(
39. I hate llamas, but I'm one of them.
40. I don't like horror movies.
41. I suck at climbing
42. People hate me usually. at least, i feel that way
43. I like pop music. OTown was a great band!
44. I am currently wearing no underwear.
45. I hate parking fines. even tho i have none, i dread them
46. I know the National Anthem of my country by heart. i'm a good lil american drone
47. I know more than two languages. i'm still workin on it
48. I spend too much time on my computer. reading all u ppls damn ljs!
49. I often want to throw my computer out the window.
50. I live on the first floor.
51. I don't like chocolate.
52. I'd like to be more original.
53. I've lied before.
54. Cocks are my favorite birds.
55. I want to conquer the world. yeah kylie!
56. I wonder what happens when you die.
57. I've read all books about Harry Potter.
58. I want to eat your dog.
59. I love to exercise.
60. I HATE SCIENCE W/ A PASSION! die Seif! die!!!!!!!
62. I like changes.
63. I hate going to class. some classes
64. I am afraid to die. w/o doing everything i want at least
65. I hate dish washing.
66. My hair is long, brown, and curly.
67. M y nails are nine inches long.
68. One of my favorite colors is black.
69. I like to sleep on the floor.
70. I am hopeless at cooking.
71. I sucked my thumb when I was little.
72. I should be doing something else rather than writing this.
73. I am online a lot.
74. I hate government. Well the current one anyway...
75. I don't have a girlfriend. I don't have a boyfriend either. :(
76. I'm too nice for my own good.(most of the time)
77. I love to read,
78. I don't trust newspapers.
79. I sometimes like arguing.
80. I live in a lagoon.
81. I clean my room once a month.
82. I'm scared of american fast food.
83. I am prying open my third eye.
84. I love Mozambique.
85. I don't trust any religion.
86. I used to play with barbies.
87. I wanted to be a super hero when I was little. pink ranger for sure!
88. I like listening to wind chimes.
89. I'm very disorganized.
90. My hair is long and straight. Unless the humidity gives me a 'fro.
91. I learn a lot. I try anyway...
92. I don't like spicy food.
93. I keep a diary.
94. I can't do cartwheels.
95. I am very lazy.
96. I'm sarcastic.
97. I think my hair is annoying.
98. I'm very emotional.
99. I hate the Wizard of Oz
100. I hate predjudices
awakeMay. 31st, 2004
05:20 pm
so theres this evil devil girl who lives down the street who've i've had to suffer through various babysitting jobs for her and her equally devilsome younger brother. well, let me tell you, this girl is S-P-O-I-L!!! Like, a million times worse than me. I plan to kill or exile her from teh planet once rich and famous and rule the world. so, this girl comes up EVERY OTHER DAY like "Can we play with your puppy? Can we see your puppy" and i'm like hell no u cant see the puppy u have ur own! ull corrupt the little thing. and my brother, her flips out, he's all if they touch my puppy i'm gonna go fuck their's up too! (see, their previous puppy attacked my brotehr and tehy're like- he's a good dog, really (EVIL!!!!))
so, i'm ready to go to take a nap, my dads sleeping on teh couch with the dog beside him, adn i hear the doorbell. oh great. so i wander downstairs and there are these girls who I DO NOT EVEN KNOW. i'm thinking they're some mormom church group on rollerblades and i'm hoping they brought they're older brother along *WINKWINK*. but no.
first girl: Hi
second girl: Taylor told us u have a puppy
third girl: Ur name rhymes with my name
Me: what's ur name?
third girl: Dinnae (pronunciation: Duh!-nay)
Me: (in head) that is THE UGLIEST NAME EVER!!!
what i really say: That's cool
*the evilness approaches*
Evil girl: can we play with champ
*in my head*- go play with your own dog
what i say: umm, i think he's sleeping now (as he approaches) oh, you woke him up
Fourth girl: can we play with him
Me: umm....i guess
but i mean, it may be just me, but i think its incredibly rude to come over and ask to play with someone else's dog when they have their own and to wake a person up from a nap and when we're about to go somewhere or when we're incredibly busy. i really can't stand that girl
May. 17th, 2004
10:28 pm - YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME...
so, theater awards. they were sad. i hate saying goodbye. i don't like being the ones who have to uphold the standards and keep the traditions alive. i miss the seniors.
i won "Outstanding Production Manager" which i am proud of. except i feel weird around all teh actors. jessica and i thought some people were truelly horrible. i wonder if i'll ever be praised for my acting chops...doubtful- highly.
and my loss was a love that i've had longer than you know who. yes, i said goodbye to mike today. jessica and i declared our lvoe for him. (her, joking, me, not) i used my "joking/sarcastic" voice so i didn't feel too selfconcious, it didn't work. he's in lvoe with frances adn i'm left out in teh cold and he's going away to college. i just need to move away somewhere where i can never be hurt or have crushes. that our become a lesbian.
i start my job in two days.
my math exams in one.
i've been crying froms saying goodbye to everyone and thinking about saying goodbye, myself, next year.
sometimes, i really hate life.
i wonder if anyone stood up for my award like they did for others. probably not. i'm a loser.
in conclusion-
my life's sucky, why do u bother reading this?? jk! i like u reading it!
nostalgic12:00 pm
i just like to update in school because i feel like i'm challenging authority. and obviously, by the lack of comments, no1 cares about my weekend, so tell me about urs.
and i saw lindsay in the hall today and she laughed at me and i laughed at her for our dares. adn she was like- "i was so trying to get maria to get u and mike to make out" and i was liked u sooo shouldve!....but i can only wish.
i still have to do my stupid french powerpoint.
and the theater awards are tonight. i don't even think that i'mgetting one. so why am i even going? oh yeah :) i know why ;).
i don't even think i'm gonna get my theater letter. i want one to. since i'm notgonna get my softball one, now.
oh well, whine, whine, whine, that's all i do. that and dream. oh well, i like my fantasy world.
busyMay. 16th, 2004
07:38 am - AN UPDATE FOR JANELLE AND ALL THE REST OF YOU who want to hear the same thing as always
so...the show went pretty succesfully. and the cast party- not as good as the crucible's, but umm...it had it's perks. ;) hmmm...shall i just say TRUTH OR DARE - yes, the most dreaded game of all time, but yet it brings such joy and closure of some sorts to my life; that and it also rehashes more feelings that i've been tyring to ignore.
it's 7:42 am and i haven't reall slept since yesterday. up all night, dancing, talking, playing HALO- omg which i love!! i never knew how much fun it was killing people, actually i got killed the most, but i did come in second once.
mike lesciewicz is still beautiful. especially his lips. i love him. i possibly more than the other boy.
i'm working on Vol. 2 of my rant, but i need more inspiration. i think i shall post vol 1 soon.
i still <3 mike. and i would like to thank maria and kendra from the bottom of my heart. ;)
and for some fun...stolen frome someone..
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | High |
| Schizoid: | Moderate |
| Schizotypal: | High |
| Antisocial: | High |
| Borderline: | Very High |
| Histrionic: | High |
| Narcissistic: | Moderate |
| Avoidant: | High |
| Dependent: | High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | High |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- | |
so....does this sound a lot like me???? cuz i think it does
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